Friday, November 28, 2008

Where I been? Where I be?

I'm gonna break it down day by day since it's been a while and I feel I owe my "constituency" that much:

November 1st - Erie, PA

Yikes.

November 2nd - Buffalo, NY

Lots of Mighty Taco. A cool basement. Our Times.

November 3rd - Syracuse, NY

I was kind of sick so I slept in the van. I thought the opening band was Trap Them, when they were actually some other dudes with a bunch of loud, nice amps and a million pedals. I was sick, I couldn't begin to tell the difference.

November 4th - Burlington, VT

Listened to election coverage on the radio, rode a ferry, ate awesome free Philly Cheese Steak sammiches. Vermont is full of hippies.

November 5th - Somewhere in New Jersey

Hanging out with dudes from Jerk City on their own turf. Free Red Bull. Good pizza. New Jersey seems like an alright state.

Novermber 6th and 7th - New York, NY

The first night, a spottily-attended show in Brooklyn was played as I found out a friend of mine is pregnant and proceeded to smoke more than the Twin Towers about 7-ish years ago. Then there were babe hangouts and fallafel. I had to teach someone about Sandbox, because they were stepping all over my balls and shit.

Day 2 we walked all over the goddamn place, walking from Brooklyn to Times Square, then walking some more and eventually taking the subway back to Brooklyn. New York City was so much more and so much less than I expected.

November 8th - Albany, NY

Albany seemed a lot like Erie, PA. Yeah. This began our time with This Is Hell.

November 9th - Pittsburgh, PA

Finally got to see Mr. Roboto's Project, seems like a pretty cool place, too bad its in PISSBURGH. Saw a band called Terminate which seemed pretty cool, though once again from PISSBURGH. Hung with my boys Karlos and Joe at their place, the first place which allowed smoking since I got on tour, Jon was pissed.

November 10th - Covington, KY

The line-up for this show:

Have Heart
Ceremony
Blacklisted
Let Down
This Is Hell
Gravemaker
Convicted

... yeah, a regular mini-fest. 25o paid, 300 there total, kids going off left and right, Pat Have Heart told people to tip bartenders for waters and sodas.

November 11th - Indianapolis, IN

At the 1511 House. It was a good time, some band called Jailbreak was alright, the hangouts with one of the world's dumbest girls afterwards? Not so much.

November 12th - Kansas City, MO

I was freaking out all day because Mad Minds was playing in Cleveland and I wasn't there.

November 13th - Claremore, OK

Hilarious power metal band opened up the show. The median age was 35. There was a frilly shirt.

November 14th - Denton, TX

The name of the venue was the Rubber Gloves Rehearsal Studio. Only it wasn't a studio, it was a bar. It reminded me of a cross between Now That's Class and The Spitfire (leaning more towards the Spitfire, hence: lameness). Texas is the way southern Ohio SHOULD be.

November 15th - Mississippi

Had food poisoning.

November 16th - New Orleans, LA

More food poisoning, also tried to quit smoking.

November 17th - Panama City, FL

Food poisoning: done. Full-blown insanity as a result of quitting smoking: fuck yeah.

November 18th - Orlando, FL

Started smoking again, for the sake of humanity.

Novemer 19th - Delray Beach, FL

Partied with some crazy kids after the show, raged until the wee hours. There were kitty bombs and discussions of stinky dicks and hot goils. It was ill.

November 20th - Jacksonville, FL

Got fed like no tomorrow. Brian left tour, Grant hopped on. More on that in the future.

November 21st - Birmingham, AL

Played some cool venue called Cave 9.

November 22nd - Nashville, TN

The venue was a church, they called it The Anchor. As far as venues go, it was alright, though I was freaked the fuck out by the churchiness of it for a while. They fed the fuck out of us, though, tell ya what.

November 23rd - West Virginia

WEST VIRGINIA PARTIES LIKE NO OTHER.

November 24th - Covington, KY

Supposed to play the Iron Works, a kick-ass venue in Covington/Cinci, but some hippies almost burnt it down. Fuck hippies.

November 25th - Springfield, IL

I recall Rally's hangouts where I told the Rally's people to go fuck themselves, but somehow ended up getting free fries. Whether they were spit-free or not is a whole other story.

November 26th - St. Louis, MO

Hung out all day because there was no show. St. Louis is a cool city.

November 27th - Tulsa, OK

Drove all day so we could eat Thanksgiving dinner at a Chinese buffet with the dudes in Take Control.

November 28th - Tulsa, OK

DUH! I typed this bullshit up.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Hey Pat, Some Young-Ass Band In Canada Covered Guns Up!

Hola and hello from lovely Erie, PA! I figure its been a few days so I'd check in with ya'll.

Between Canada and Kentucky, about 6 people have bought the zine. That's cool. They better fucking write.

I've learned that metalcore is still immensely popular among the youth. Boo.

Jerk City is on the tour with us for the next week and that's cool because they are a rad band (even if I missed them last night since I was in a very intense coma/nap state in the van).

Cigarettes are mondo-cheap in Kentucky, I got 20 packs for $40. If anyone has a problem with that, I got 7 words for them:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY!

... jokes.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Canaduh!

People of the Cleveland Hardcore Blogosphere: Abasement #2 is out, go get that shit off of Shaun.

Observations on Canada so far:

-I've seen multiple people who look like the Hanson Brothers (and not on purpose).

-I saw A CIRCLE PIT BREAK OUT WITH NO PROMPTING WHATSOEVER, NONE, AND IT WASN'T JUST 3 DUDES EITHER, IT WAS MANY KIDS.

-I saw a show with 6 bands somehow start at 7:12 and end at 9:48. Whoa.

-Tim Horton's (or Timmy Ho Ho's as the locals call it) has tasty coffee. TRIPLE, TRIPLE!

-People have been feeding us. Canadians are incredibly nice. Really nice. Way nice. Not like you or I. They're foreign.

Righteous, show in Windsor today, then we get the fuck back into the States.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Business is BOOMIN'

Photobucket

That's where I'm at from October 27th to November 22nd. The rest of the tour is being booked as we speak. What tour, you ask? Well Gravemaker wrecked their van and needed someone to drive them on the rest of their shit so Nate gave them my number and I now have another 2 months before I get a "real" job. You can all expect me to be blogging a bit more.

Die Hard Movers: yeah, we move bands.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Ugh...

I fell asleep at 3AM, woke up at 6AM, now it's 6:48AM and I feel half-a-loaf of shit. I haven't blogged in a while, but neither has this guy. Everyone should bug him for more posts, I know I want to read more, and if you don't then I got two words for ya... I understand his plight, though, 'zines are way cooler than blogs FOR REAL. Which reminds me, Abasement #2 coming relatively soon (if you never got #1, e-mail me or some shit).

Die Hard Movers is moving and grooving. My voicemail message says as much.

There was a meeting today about me becoming a movie star. Everyone be on the lookout for Mad Minds, Right Idea and other Clevo merch to be up on the silver screen one of these days.

Now... back to sleep? Eat? Get paid to participate in democracy? Whatever I do, I will have this stuck in my head:



... PRAY FOR A WAY OUT!!!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Gotta Calm Down

You know what the fuck I'm eating right now? Rice with hot dog chunks and some hot sauce. You know why the fuck I'm eating this horrible concoction? Because my idiot, redneck boss is refusing to pay me. You know WHY? 'Cuz I'm too PRETTY.

I've been flying into vicious internal rages intermittently the last few days, rages which are not quelled by punching the wall, not calmed by jerking off, not appeased by cigarettes, nay, the only thing that has calmed me down has been the best movie soundtrack EVER:



... Gets me every time.

If any of you have been wondering where the fuck I've been blog-wise, well... I've been chasing down the above-mentioned inbred motherfucker. I've also been helping to assemble the super-bad-ass Mad Minds record release cover set which will no doubt get me some after the show up in the Rockstar.

What else... oh yeah, Shaun and I have a few ventures going on:

We're starting our own moving company, it'll be called Die Hard Movers "Movers With Integrity". Other names that were considered: Moving Replaced By Revenge, Movario Stomp, One Move Crew...

We've also written a zine which will set minds on fire as soon as we get some money to use and abuse some copy machines and staplers.

You've been warned.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Righteousness Refinery Is Open For Business

Yes, Nosebleed practiced today for about 2 hours and we have a sick intro, one song starting to look good (that song being "Better Watch What The Fuck You Say") and already another possible side band to the side band: Lumberjakk (shit is WAY hard, people).

Davey was supposed to come out and practice but he ran into car troubles. Joe couldn't practice because he was in Pittsburgh. Our line-up consisted of Greg on da drums, Nick on bass, Shaun on geeeeeetar and me realizing I have to switch to lights, but moshing all the same.

2009 IS MINE!!!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

How To Make A Stink.

[Note: I wrote this last night. I'm posting it now. Yar.]

It's 3 in the morning, I have to work at 8 in the morning but fuck it, I woke up at 6PM yesterday. Fuck it. I haven't worked in almost 2 weeks, I'm growing a beard, life is hilarious.

I was in bed, trying to sleep like a fool when I began to think of Cleveland. And smoking. And shows.

The Dark/Halcyon days of smoking at shows in Cleveland... you guys can make the call on whether it was 'Dark' or 'Halcyon' and I might tell you that you're WRONG.

I remember when I was in 7th grade --not anywhere near the enlightened, righteous dude I am today, mind you-- going to shows at the old Peabody's in the Flats. Cryptkicker shows. One thing I remember --besides the sick strobe light mosh-- was the smell. It was B.O., not normal B.O., but Show B.O. There's just something different about it, like the sheer weight of angry, white retards (and that one random black dude with the swastika tattoo) created a whole other breed of stink, like coal being squeezed into diamond, 44 karats of stench.

B.O. wasn't the only ingredient in the alchemy of show stink; beer was another key additive. Spraying all over the place, mixing up on the floor with the dirt and the ash into a slurry which along with the heat and B.O. got a garbage vibe going on; beer was key.

So now you had monster B.O., heat and beer. Sort of a hot yellow/brown, if you were to begin attaching a color while disregarding the piss/shit connotations of the combination, because it wasn't piss or shit: it was a Show.

All of the previously-mentioned is perfectly available at a show in this day and age --though one would hope you were going to better shows at better venues by now-- but again, we're missing something: cigarette smoke. Lots of it, so much that you didn't even think you could breathe or see or begin to even think about watching another minute AND IT'S ONLY THE 3RD BAND OUT OF 7. [To any younger readers who never caught a show at the old Peabody's: Yes, even 10 years ago at a different location Peabody's had shows with 18 billion bands, it never changes.]

With the smoke you could see the lights, see the air shift around according to the action, see all kinds of shit. It dulls the stink, sharpens the stench, GENERATES SOME FUCKING AMBIANCE.

Then someone --I don't know, maybe the black dude with the possible W.P. ties?-- lit a Black & Mild, and the whole thing got sexy.

... I try-ee-i-ee-ieddd to quit smoking for today and lasted about 2 hours before I realized 2 things:

1. My hand-me-down nicotine patches expired in 2003. How in the fuck did I quit with them in 2007? Ultimate argument for the placebo effect, I suppose.

2. I'll quit smoking when I'm in Prison, Pregnant or Perished. One of those Possibilities are definitely going down, the other is Pretty imProbable and the other? ImPossible.

Yeah, I got that pXe. And I have to work in 3 hours. Excellent.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Important Shit.

It occurred to me while driving to get something to eat that I have been remiss in my duty as a blogger. Sure, I've dropped mad knowledge on way-important shit, but I have yet to have told you people some of the most essential shit ever:

My Top 3 Favorite Space Ghost Coast 2 Coast Episodes Ever (In No Particular Order)

We'll begin with "Flipmode" an episode featuring Busta Rhymes and Gas.



Next up, the classic "Knifin' Around" where Space Ghost finds himself married to Bjork and Moltar tries to do battle with Thom Yorke.



And finally, most nonsensical one of the three... fuck! Alright, I couldn't find "Brilliant Number One" anywhere on the internet. FUCK. Goddamnit. Shit. Be-fucking-trayed, thats how I feel. Fuck. Shit.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to throw up a Van Halen video (the sync is off, but the song is still HARD).

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Nosebleed is coming (and Nosebleed comes loud!)

Having confirmed Shaun a while back for drums or guitar (but probably drums) it looks like my long-delayed side band Nosebleed will be getting off the ground and out of my head in September.

The tentative line-up thus far:

Me, Alex Kellar aka Wolfgang Von Gobblecock aka The Double Doctor of the S.A.C. on vocals.

Photobucket

Joe Yanick of Masakari on the widdly-diddly-wah guitar.

Photobucket

Shaun Clark on the drums (possibly guitar)

Photobucket

I'm pretty sure that we have a bass player and second guitar player lined up, too.

In the meantime, to satiate your unbearable thirst for Evil A and tha 'Bleed (not to be confused with Jamey J and tha 'Breed), I give you some video taken from the House Of Awesome on December 31st, 2007. This is with not one, but two Joes and a Nate thrown in there for good measure.









Yes, its amazing what a combined total of 4 hours practice 4 months apart can get you. Just imagine what more practice can bring.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Going Back in Time...

A few years ago, I forayed into the world of comic-writing (with my friend Lou on the pencils). Nostalgic son of a bitch that I am, I'm gonna post them now.

This one's about Jamey Jasta going to Hell*.

Photobucket

**The panel layout on that was kinda confusing, and the third-to-last panel was supposed to be more ambiguous (i.e. you weren't supposed to know the person next to Jasta in the bed was a man) but hey...

Now for the four page doozy, the Names For Graves "Phil Spector" comic. I really liked this one, especially that the only words used in the whole comic are lyrics (with the exception of Nate's "Fuck this, I'm moving to Seattle line", but that was supposed to a thought balloon any-fucking-way).

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

[If the HTML is being retarded, just click that shit to see full pages. I believe in you.]

Friday, August 8, 2008

Protestant Straight Edge: The Beginning

It has been foretold... not that it would be on this fateful date of 8/8/OH8, but... it was fucking foretold.

It was foretold that one man-boy-child-burger... would tell a tale. That man-boy-child-burger is me. I'm a fucking man-boy-child-burger. You're terrified, I know --I would be, too. I'd fucking piss my pants if I wasn't me right now, maybe if I was/am me I would any-fucking-way. This shit is fucking heavy --monolithic, even.

Ladies, gentlemen and orphans, I present to you:


THE ORIGIN OF PROTESTANT STRAIGHT EDGE!!!

Years ago, I was standing upon a cliff in Kirtland, OH at sunset. From this cliff, even though it is about 30 or so miles from Cleveland, you can see the Cleveland skyline. I was admiring the far-away city when I noticed something odd on top of the Key building: a man.

This was not just any man. He was an amalgamation of two men:

Ian MacKaye, founder of Minor Threat



and

Martin Luther, founder of the Protestant faith



The man I saw looked something like this:

Photobucket

I was shocked, How the fuck can I see this guy from 30 miles away? I thought to myself. Suddenly, he held his arm up, as if to signal he were about to speak; I listened.

"Do it." he said.

"Do what?" I asked, wondering just what in the unholy name of fuck this crazy, amalgamated-ass motherfucker in a black robe was talking about.

There was no answer. I couldn't really tell, but I could swear I saw him look down and ask "Who the fuck is that guy?" only to hear someone reply "I'm from the neighborhood, fruit!" Then I heard a motorcycle engine revving, but that's all speculation at this point.

Five more minutes passed with no communication until I got pissed and yelled "DO WHAT?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

He answered. "Smoke, drink and fuck, but with principles and shit."

"Oh yeah?" I responded, "What in the hell do you call that? And who the fuck are you?"

"It is called Protestant Straight Edge, and I am called Martin Luther MacKaye."

The next few minutes are fuzzy, all I know is that I woke up in my van in some random-ass parking lot. Disoriented, I lit a cigarette and began to speak words which were not my own, they would end up the basic guidelines for Protestant Straight Edge:

"Cigarettes/Cigars. Completely fine. They are like the sucker fish to your shark. Smoke on.

"Alcohol. As long as you don't need a beer, have a beer. If you need a beer, cut that shit out. No starting drama while you are drunk that you wouldn't have started sober. Avoid bars at all costs, but if you have to go to one, make sure there is a 99.9867% chance that you will NOT hear nu-metal or any other shitty music (strip clubs are a different story).

"Marijuana. If more than 10% of your daily conversation pertains to weed, fuck off. If you were some stupid asshole in high school and you went to college, smoked weed, and decided that you now had to listen to Dave Mathews Band and Phish, fuck off. If more than 15% of your day involves finding/purchasing marijuana, fuck off. Martin Luther MacKaye advises NEVER purchasing marijuana, only smoking other people's shit (the INCREDIBLY occasional dime bag and having five on it every once in a while is not entirely frowned upon).

"Cocaine. The Honorable Martin Luther MacKaye feels that cocaine should only be done bi-annually if it is free. You should never spend one red cent on the overpriced shit. The hope is that you hang out with a better group (since 97% of people that do that bullshit are complete losers) of people than the types that do cocaine, but the Honorable MLM recognizes that no one is perfect.

"Prescription medication. What are you, some rich kid robbing his mom's medicine cabinet? Fuck off with that shit.

"Hallucinogens. Martin Luther MacKaye is of the opinion that if everyone on Earth were to trip at once, all problems would be solved. Or quite the opposite. Either way...

"Heroin. No, no, no and NO. Unless you are only doing it once so that you can tell your drug-addled brother never to do it and why."

I then passed out again and woke up in an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PARKING LOT WITHOUT MY VAN. I still had my cigarettes, so I lit up another and fell into yet another trance:

"Beer pong is fucking stupid. So are frat boys. Fuck all that noise.

"You can only have sex with another drunk person while sober if they are your boyfriend/girlfriend of at least 2 months. If you are drunk and they are drunk, all bets are off."

I woke up from that trance in the same parking lot, but my van was back BUT NOW MY CIGARETTES WERE MISSING. Inside my van was a note from MLM. It read:

"Alex-

I borrowed your van for a minute. Spread the Word.

-Martin Luther MacKaye

P.S. I took your smokes. Sorry, dude."

I couldn't stay mad with MRM for long, and here I am today, spreading the Word.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask, since after all, I am the Double Doctor of the S.A.C., representing for the pXe (<----that's Protestant Straight Edge).

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Monolithic Motherfucker (Vol. 2)

Here we go, Hatebreed's sequel to The Rise Of Brutality, SUPREMACY!

You just thought it was just an even more metallic release from Jamey J and Tha 'Breed, well you were wrong, this shit is a rock opera.

Prologue:

When we last saw Jasta, he was a deposed dictator on house arrest. One day, Jasta was watching TV, bored as usual when he decided to grab something out of the fridge. In that moment --for reasons totally unknown-- NUCLEAR WAR BREAKS OUT ACROSS THE EARTH. JASTA IS BLOWN IN HALF, HIS HALVES LANDING HUNDREDS OF MILES APART, BURIED AMONG THE RUBBLE OF CIVILIZATION.

Chapter 1: "Defeatist"

It has been thousands of years since the nuclear holocaust, mankind is constantly at war for uncontaminated land and resources. It is in this dark age that a group of wizards gathered to resurrect Jasta to lead them to a world where they would not be trapped within their own apathy as they spiral into a cycle of loss. Using dark magic they set about bringing back to life the half of Jasta that they had unearthed while digging for clean water and lost technology. Little did they know that the half of Jasta they were bringing back was JASTA'S EVIL HALF!

Evil Jasta raged against those who gave him life again as a magical cyborg. Indiscriminately killing many of them. In the wizards eyes, he was cursed. They saw no fix, no cure, that their unholy work was tortured with imperfection. They said to him, "Your hatred is aimless!"

Evil Jasta proclaimed "This is my hatred, this is my vow: never to be broken!"

"Because you hate yourself and you hate this world and you hate the fact that you hate everybody!" one wizard retorted.

"Defeatist!" Evil Jasta roared "You and I will never be the same!!!"

Jasta then laid waste to all the wizards, all but one, Franklin Three-Staff, who escaped, vowing to find the good half of Jasta so that he could right the wrong he had helped unleash upon the scorched, post-apocalyptic earth.

Chapter 2: "Horrors Of Self"

Evil Jasta wandered the barren desert, coming to grips with his new surroundings, his new body and his death. Looking at himself in a puddle of toxic water, the evil cyborg spit at his own reflection, spewing hatred towards reality, feeling as though a speck of sand in an endless desert of agony, Evil Jasta walked...

Chapter 3: "Mind Over All"

Jasta became empowered, overcoming his confusion over his second life, he decided that there was no limit to what could be achieved. Staring into glory, Evil Jasta realized he must end the instability.

Chapter 4: "To The Threshold"

Evil Jasta begins to amass his army of death and domination. He told them "Give me your broken, give me your beaten! I will build them up! I will lead them to the threshold!" He promised to make them stronger, to make them believe. "I am one in the same, but now stronger than uncertainty!" he told the mutated mobs he attracted town to town, camp to camp.

The lost, beaten, and broken people believed Evil Jasta, desperate to rise up and claim what had been taken by them by shadows of the past, from the depths of their own failures.

Between Evil Jasta's strength and the belief held in him by his army, it would seem he had spit in the face of defeat.

Chapter 5: "Give Wings To My Triumph"

While the cyborg Jasta was walking in the desert, building his army and dominating all who opposed him, the one wizard who escaped, Franklin Three-Staff was on a quest of his own. He had dug up the other half of Jasta, the good half, and had taken to the top of the highest mountain the bring back to life Jasta's good half to do battle with Evil Jasta.

Exposed in his brokenness, for the world to see, Good Jasta was re-assembled by Elder Gods. Given wings for triumphs to come, Good Jasta came into existence in a righteous rage. He told Franklin Three-Staff "Now my fists must never be unclenched." for he would be eternally prevailing against Evil Jasta.

The air crackling with energy around him, Jasta spoke again, "I must endure the misfortune and bring starvation to those who hunger for my defeat! A rise for every fall! A life for every death!"

Pointing down towards the lowlands, Good Jasta roared "See my will before you now!" and flew down, to begin his epic quest to defeat Evil Jasta.

Chapter 6: "Destroy Everything"

Good Jasta's new life began, as he set about destroying everything. He cleansed much of Evil Jasta's empire with fire, helping the grateful peasants to rebuild and start again.

Evil Jasta returned in kind, destroying everything Good Jasta built, decimating all who threatened him; obliterating all that made him weak.

This cycle continued for quite some time.

Chapter 7: "Divine Judgment"

Evil Jasta paced his castle, discussing the rumors that his resurrected good half was the one setting his camps and cities ablaze. Evil Jasta and a warlord discussed the possibility that it might be the work of the divine.

"Born now are new saviors sent to steal our breath" the warlord said. The warlord pointed out the window towards peasants in the market square, "The angels they claim may be sent to take your life. Some claim its justified-" Evil Jasta glowered at the warlord. The warlord, afraid, continued, "-some say it's the judgment of the divine."

"How could it be the work of their divinity?" Evil Jasta asked, anger building.

Seemingly possessed, the warlord answered "Its divine retribution."

In a rage, Evil Jasta ripped the warlord's head off.

Chapter 8: "Immortal Enemies"

One night, an old man began to tell his grandson a tale, "When the conflict never ceases and the enemies are immortal, only their names and faces change, so a stance must always be held."

Across the town from the old man, Good Jasta was raiding one of Evil Jasta's camps, only to discover that EVIL JASTA WAS IN THE FUCKING CAMP. A mighty battle began, and it seemed as if Good Jasta was to be victorious, but Evil Jasta was just too strong. He chopped off Good Jasta's arm at the elbow with the unholy Doomsayer blade and then jammed a mace into the stump, mace first. He then picked up the defeated Jasta and spit in his face before throwing him high into the air.

About five minutes later, Good Jasta landed by the old man who was finishing his tale. Good Jasta is alive but just barely. He whispered to the shocked old man "another day dies, I'm looking, I'm lasting..." and then lost consciousness.

Chapter 9: "The Most Truth"

Good Jasta was near death after his confrontation with Evil Jasta and was being carried by his followers into a tent. "Let's go!" one of his disciples yelled as they put him down on the table to operate. They began to pull out the mace, but Good Jasta stopped them.

He stood up, bleeding profusely and screamed "The pain is here to tell me that I'm still alive! Alive to fight another day! Because the pain reveals the most truth!"

He kicked everyone out of the make-shift infirmary so that he could meditate and heal. When he emerged from the tent the next day, his followers saw the scars behind his eyes and felt the sting of daylight; saw the changing tide. They saw that the horizon taunted him no longer, the truth was again born into him.

Chapter 10: "Never Let It Die"

Two years passed after The Two Jastas did battle. Both sides have been building their armies and preparing for the Final Battle. Now the fight was to be on until there was nothing left. Good Jasta looked over his troops before they began their march to war and began to speak:

"Bonds are strengthened when they've been tested and mended when they've been torn. So give all of yourself that there is to give because in life to have never risked is to have never lived!

"So resolve, reassure and push on with out fear! Ignite the flame, because only you govern what tomorrow holds! It's inside us all waiting to be awoken , it's more than words describe. This is the spark, let it burn, make it build; it will never be denied!"

Good Jasta asked of his horde, "Will you let it die?"

"NEVER!" the horde replied.

Oh yes, the fight was on.

Chapter 11: "Spitting Venom"

While on their march to war, Good Jasta's forces encountered a giant cyclops. This cyclops spit venom, indiscriminately. Alone and provoked by the human intrusion, its' anger deep and lasting, it spit its venom in the eyes of countless warriors.

"Mock and slander with your empty threats! Spineless cowards soon to be revealed!" the cyclops bellowed as he spit more venom, completely unwilling to have any meaningful dialogue with Good Jasta, he only lashed out after a lifetime of torment.

Jasta tried to reason with it, to get it to join his cause saying "Believe what you may! Say what you will-"

"I'LL SPIT MY VENOM IN THE EYES OF YOUR WORLD! SPIT! SPIT! SPIT!!!" roared the cyclops as it renewed its mindlessly hateful attack. Good Jasta slew the beast, but was saddened by the killing; he felt that the cyclops could have found acceptance and been great use in his ranks.

Chapter 12: "As Die Hard As They Come"

Good Jasta's troops reached Evil Jasta's fortress and set up camp outside of the gates. Jasta gathered his army for a speech before they all went to sleep, since he knew he would never see them again.

"Some of us have had their fateful day, when harmony fades and life stands still. Those who were willing to sacrifice were blessed with the instinct to survive!

"This is for those who've escaped the torment! You know real courage , you are as diehard as they come!!!

"This is for those who never wavered! You are fearless , you are as diehard as they come!!!"

Everyone went to sleep to rest up for the next days battle for supremacy of the world.

Chapter 13: "Supremacy Of Self"

"Some wars must be won alone" Good Jasta whispered to himself as he left camp early in the morning before any of his gathered horde had even awoken. His plan was to fight Evil Jasta himself, saving both armies from the needless bloodshed, even if it meant he had to die as well.

Evil Jasta was waiting for him. "Am I the only one who is standing in my way?" the cyborg asked.

"Am I my own merciless enemy?" Good Jasta shot back.

"Can I stand back looking deep into death's gaze?" Evil Jasta asked, enjoying the banter.

"Can I turn and face myself and the knowledge of what shouldn't be?" Good Jasta asked as he ripped the mace from his stump and attacked Evil Jasta.

Eons later, in the afterlife, the Whole Jasta was heard to say "To look into my heart, was to to look into hell. Controlled by the voice of fear I was completely overwhelmed. So concerned with the things I could never change..."

"NOW I MUST INSURE TO NEVER FULFILL THAT PROPHECY!" Good Jasta screamed as he struck Evil Jasta in the skull with the mace as he was run through the heart by Evil Jasta's Doomsayer Blade. Both erupt in light, as they attain Supremacy of mind, of body, of spirit and of self; their spirits combined, they then ascended, leaving the earthly plane forever, humanity left to lead themselves.

THE END

Download the album here and follow along, see what I see.

Bringing It Back.

Chuck has been going hip-hop crazy on the If You Cared and Hope This Helps blogs, so I thought I'd bring it back to the 'core with some hip-hop flavor (in reverse chronological order, no less).





Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Satan Lives in Cleveland.

Yesterday I helped my buddy Keith move some stuff from the (b)east side to the (b/w)est side. We decided to take the scenic route back and took Euclid Ave all the way into downtown from Euclid, eventually hanging a Louie to get onto Carnegie and then Loraine. While stopped in traffic, we noticed something, someone strange.

There was a black dude in a blood-red Escalade, blasting some funky jazz, but that wasn't all. This dude had a shaved head with ram's horns tattooed on the sides. Intense dude, right? It gets heavier, maaaan. As he pulled away from us, we saw that his license plate read "RA 666". Holy shit, Cleveland, be on the lookout for RA 666, he will eat your soul and crap doom upon your empty husk.

Another funny thing happened yesterday.

You know how sometimes it sucks when people tell you their dreams? Well I upped the annoyance-level yesterday when Shaun came over and not only did I tell him about my dream, but also played a shitty pop-punk song I wrote about it. None of it made sense. Magic.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

The Monolithic Motherfucker (Vol. 1)

Alright, in my first post I said that I would finally break the news on Jamey J and The 'Breed (that's Hatebreed for you squares out there) and now I am. Partially.

You see, two of Hatebreed's most recent albums have been concept-albums-in-disguise. Yes, Reverend Jasta hid the message for me to find and find I did. The following is a song-by-song breakdown of the album The Rise Of Brutality. There's a link at the bottom so you can download that shit and listen along and see the truth for yourself...

Chapter 1: "Tear It Down"

Jasta is an Everyman, sick of a woefully corrupt society he sees as lacking in justice. He makes a decision to tear it all down and an epic journey begins.

Chapter 2: "Straight To Your Face"

Jasta takes to the streets, trying to legally implement change. He goes straight to peoples' faces with the truth, only to be shut down by apathy and resentment. He comes to realize that no great change will come with democracy, but is terrified to even consider... FASCISM!

Chapter 3: "Facing What Consumes You"

Jasta realizes that there is no other option, the only hope is fascism. He sets about building his ranks, those who would remain vehement, remain confident in his cause. Those who doubt him? Who hate him? They are inspiration to The Jasta.

Chapter 4: "Live For This"

Jasta's meteoric rise to brutality is almost at hand, as at the penultimate rally he exclaims to his die hard masses "LIVE FOR THIS! IF YOU DON'T LIVE FOR SOMETHING YOU WILL DIE FOR NOTHING!"

Chapter 5: "Doomsayer"

Jasta lets the repugnant multitude know that their doom awaits them as the genocide begins. It doesn't matter if they're rich, poor, black or white; if they aren't down, then The Jasta wishes them misery and desolation which they will get in spades in the camps. Cast down, defeated, how could they ever rise again?

Chapter 6: "Another Day, Another Vendetta"

Jasta decides to take in his handiwork as he dons a disguise and walks the streets of his brave new world, his Stillborn Empire. He is not entirely happy with what he sees. He questions himself, wondering if maybe he got too carried away with the genocide and destruction and didn't pay enough attention to making things better...

Chapter 7: "A Lesson Lived Is A Lesson Learned"

Having done his soul-searching out on the streets of his empire, Jasta has decided to turn over a new leaf in his administration.

Chapter 8: "Beholder Of Justice"

Jasta discusses his new kinder, gentler approach with his cabinet.

Chapter 9: "This Is Now"

Having hammered out his new strategy, Jasta takes to the podium to let people know what's up. Descending from the stage after his speech, Jasta is arrested by agents of the U.N. He is brought Geneva to be tried for his role in the "Doomsayer" genocides.

Chapter 10: "Voice Of Contention"

Jasta steps up the podium at the U.N. war crimes tribunal after hearing the prosecution and proclaims "If they said they knew the truth, THEY LIED!!!" He goes on to point out "Where are your answers now that you've been called out?!" He begins to fight his "mortal enemies" and is eventually rescued and brought back to America.

Chapter 11: "Choose Or Be Chosen"

The Jasta is more pissed than he's ever been and is talking war. He is ready to take on the entire U.N. His cabinet isn't really feeling it and chooses to place him under house arrest for the remainder of his life.

Chapter 12: "Confide In No One"

A few years have passed and Jasta is bored out of his mind. There's nothing good on TV and he's bitter over his cabinet betraying him so he confides in no one.

THE END

Download the album and listen and read along here. I abridged much of this, so I'll trust all of you to fill in the blanks, but if you have any questions, feel free to hit me up.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Yo Soy Karaoke Superstar

Tonight I went to Now That's Class for karaoke. It was awesome. I am a Golden God Of Karaoke, if I do say so myself (and I do).

I did "Suedehead" by Morrissey, "Rainbow In The Dark" by Dio and "Looks That Kill" by Motley Crue. Seriously. Superstar.

I highly recommend that everyone drag their asses the fuck over to NTC on nights where they do this. Its a blast.

The dude who was Ned Branden in Slapshot was in Twin Peaks

Vanessa's cat has been trying to murder me ever since I got home, maybe it's aware of my impending move and feels that now is the time to strike...

The Mad Minds weekend was a good time. Ever since though, my van has stunk like shit. I initially thought that we were just stinkier than usual during the weekend and thus the van was now forever branded with the stench of Weekend Tour. Today I realized that there was a salad left in there from Sunday. I'm glad too, because I was considering a fumigation-by-incense and that would have left the Man's Van MkII reeking like a hippie, and that's no bueno.

Now it's off to go partially celebrate Nick's birthday. I say "partially" because the celebration doesn't end until this Saturday at the Tower 2012.

BE THERE!!!



Photobucket







Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Healthy Diet: Before, During And After A Hard Day's Work

So I've been working for a moving company for the last couple weeks. It's been pretty awesome. I've been bringing in the $crilla, meeting interesting people --racist Greeks/rednecks, some of whom are alcoholics, some of whom are crackheads, and some who combine both and truly achieve... oh yeah, there's also a black dude who drives incredibly slow and allegedly listens to country, so what the fuck.

More important than any of that half-assed sociological bullshit, I've been getting HARD.

This is fucking man work. I lift shit and shit, dude. I fucking sweat. I have now broken free of the life-long curse of shitty food jobs. Instead of standing around eating all day, I'm walking around lifting couches and shit. It rules.

But rule-age has a price: I gotta eat. So what does my manly-man ass eat everyday? We'll start with the breakfast of choice for this particular champion...

Breakfast consists of about 5 to 8 cigarettes on the way to the move. Usually there's between 1 and 2 Monster Coffees involved just to get myself fucking partially awake --it would be a cheaper to get a cup of coffee, but I'd be shitting myself all morning, so that's out. Sometimes I'll add a Speedway breakfast sandwich --maybe two, they're two for $2, fuck it, I need the protein and shit, yo.

Throughout the move I ingest massive amounts of water.

After the work is done and I'm on my way home, I'll pop by Speedway again --notice a recurring theme here?-- and get nachos FUCKING SLATHERED in a layer of cheese and chili, then I throw on a bunch of onions and jalapeƱos and then I go ROUND TWO with the chili and cheese. Nachos accomplished. Add a 44oz frozen drink, and you have a happy tummy for hours and hours.

The cost? $2.74


I recently went grocery shopping, but all I got was a shitload of Ramen, green beans and tuna. What does that make? The Karl Kellar Special. All the carbs, protein and greens you can take IN ONE BOWL FOR ONLY $1.30 A MEAL!!!

In case you can't tell, I eat really fucking healthy.

I splurged today since I got a $130 tip on top of $90 for 8 and a half hours of work and ordered some Chinese for delivery. I'm gonna consume that shit now and contemplate tomorrow's busy schedule of errands in preparation for the upcoming Mad Minds weekend.

Toledo, Peoria and Chicago LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Intro/How Did I Get Here?

Welcome to the Bored To Life blog. I was thinking of doing a zine, but I pussed out big time and decided that while I have a lot of time on my hands, I don't have that much time, so fuck you, you got this fucking blog.

I'm going to be talking about a bunch of bullshit I have floating around in my head on here, like certain theories I have on two albums by Jamey J and the 'Breed, for example. Maybe I'll interview a band every great once in a while. Perhaps I'll preach the virtues of Protestant Straight Edge. I'll also tell stories of how I got to be the dude I am today.

In the spirit of that last thought, I will relate how I came to be.

My mom moved to California from North Carolina with her family when she was 18 in 1981. Shortly after moving there, she went to a high school party where she banged some Marine in a hot tub. That devil dog son of a bitch knocked her up. My mom promptly aborted the unholy spawn of the military-industrial complex errand boy. 8 months later my mom met my dad while working as a secretary in some office. They hit it off, eventually got married and then moved to Cleveland and named me after a drummer in a very popular band at the time.

Do you think my dad would have been into my mom if she had been 8 months pregnant? FUCK NO. If my mom had never gotten that abortion, my dad would have never gotten with her, their chromosomes would have never merged at the exact moment that they did and Alex Kellar would not exist today.

Moral of the story: I owe my very existence to abortion, so anyone who has a problem abortion has a problem with me!