It was foretold that one man-boy-child-burger... would tell a tale. That man-boy-child-burger is me. I'm a fucking man-boy-child-burger. You're terrified, I know --I would be, too. I'd fucking piss my pants if I wasn't me right now, maybe if I was/am me I would any-fucking-way. This shit is fucking heavy --monolithic, even.
Ladies, gentlemen and orphans, I present to you:
THE ORIGIN OF PROTESTANT STRAIGHT EDGE!!!
Years ago, I was standing upon a cliff in Kirtland, OH at sunset. From this cliff, even though it is about 30 or so miles from Cleveland, you can see the Cleveland skyline. I was admiring the far-away city when I noticed something odd on top of the Key building: a man.
This was not just any man. He was an amalgamation of two men:
Ian MacKaye, founder of Minor Threat
and
Martin Luther, founder of the Protestant faith
The man I saw looked something like this:
I was shocked, How the fuck can I see this guy from 30 miles away? I thought to myself. Suddenly, he held his arm up, as if to signal he were about to speak; I listened.
"Do it." he said.
"Do what?" I asked, wondering just what in the unholy name of fuck this crazy, amalgamated-ass motherfucker in a black robe was talking about.
There was no answer. I couldn't really tell, but I could swear I saw him look down and ask "Who the fuck is that guy?" only to hear someone reply "I'm from the neighborhood, fruit!" Then I heard a motorcycle engine revving, but that's all speculation at this point.
Five more minutes passed with no communication until I got pissed and yelled "DO WHAT?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
He answered. "Smoke, drink and fuck, but with principles and shit."
"Oh yeah?" I responded, "What in the hell do you call that? And who the fuck are you?"
"It is called Protestant Straight Edge, and I am called Martin Luther MacKaye."
The next few minutes are fuzzy, all I know is that I woke up in my van in some random-ass parking lot. Disoriented, I lit a cigarette and began to speak words which were not my own, they would end up the basic guidelines for Protestant Straight Edge:
"Cigarettes/Cigars. Completely fine. They are like the sucker fish to your shark. Smoke on.
"Alcohol. As long as you don't need a beer, have a beer. If you need a beer, cut that shit out. No starting drama while you are drunk that you wouldn't have started sober. Avoid bars at all costs, but if you have to go to one, make sure there is a 99.9867% chance that you will NOT hear nu-metal or any other shitty music (strip clubs are a different story).
"Marijuana. If more than 10% of your daily conversation pertains to weed, fuck off. If you were some stupid asshole in high school and you went to college, smoked weed, and decided that you now had to listen to Dave Mathews Band and Phish, fuck off. If more than 15% of your day involves finding/purchasing marijuana, fuck off. Martin Luther MacKaye advises NEVER purchasing marijuana, only smoking other people's shit (the INCREDIBLY occasional dime bag and having five on it every once in a while is not entirely frowned upon).
"Cocaine. The Honorable Martin Luther MacKaye feels that cocaine should only be done bi-annually if it is free. You should never spend one red cent on the overpriced shit. The hope is that you hang out with a better group (since 97% of people that do that bullshit are complete losers) of people than the types that do cocaine, but the Honorable MLM recognizes that no one is perfect.
"Prescription medication. What are you, some rich kid robbing his mom's medicine cabinet? Fuck off with that shit.
"Hallucinogens. Martin Luther MacKaye is of the opinion that if everyone on Earth were to trip at once, all problems would be solved. Or quite the opposite. Either way...
"Heroin. No, no, no and NO. Unless you are only doing it once so that you can tell your drug-addled brother never to do it and why."
I then passed out again and woke up in an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PARKING LOT WITHOUT MY VAN. I still had my cigarettes, so I lit up another and fell into yet another trance:
"Beer pong is fucking stupid. So are frat boys. Fuck all that noise.
"You can only have sex with another drunk person while sober if they are your boyfriend/girlfriend of at least 2 months. If you are drunk and they are drunk, all bets are off."
I woke up from that trance in the same parking lot, but my van was back BUT NOW MY CIGARETTES WERE MISSING. Inside my van was a note from MLM. It read:
"Alex-
I borrowed your van for a minute. Spread the Word.
-Martin Luther MacKaye
P.S. I took your smokes. Sorry, dude."
I couldn't stay mad with MRM for long, and here I am today, spreading the Word.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask, since after all, I am the Double Doctor of the S.A.C., representing for the pXe (<----that's Protestant Straight Edge).
2 comments:
This is the most rediculus thing on the internet...
yet i love it
I am also Protastant Straight Edge
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