A Healthy Diet: Before, During And After A Hard Day's Work

So I've been working for a moving company for the last couple weeks. It's been pretty awesome. I've been bringing in the $crilla, meeting interesting people --racist Greeks/rednecks, some of whom are alcoholics, some of whom are crackheads, and some who combine both and truly achieve... oh yeah, there's also a black dude who drives incredibly slow and allegedly listens to country, so what the fuck.

More important than any of that half-assed sociological bullshit, I've been getting HARD.

This is fucking man work. I lift shit and shit, dude. I fucking sweat. I have now broken free of the life-long curse of shitty food jobs. Instead of standing around eating all day, I'm walking around lifting couches and shit. It rules.

But rule-age has a price: I gotta eat. So what does my manly-man ass eat everyday? We'll start with the breakfast of choice for this particular champion...

Breakfast consists of about 5 to 8 cigarettes on the way to the move. Usually there's between 1 and 2 Monster Coffees involved just to get myself fucking partially awake --it would be a cheaper to get a cup of coffee, but I'd be shitting myself all morning, so that's out. Sometimes I'll add a Speedway breakfast sandwich --maybe two, they're two for $2, fuck it, I need the protein and shit, yo.

Throughout the move I ingest massive amounts of water.

After the work is done and I'm on my way home, I'll pop by Speedway again --notice a recurring theme here?-- and get nachos FUCKING SLATHERED in a layer of cheese and chili, then I throw on a bunch of onions and jalapeños and then I go ROUND TWO with the chili and cheese. Nachos accomplished. Add a 44oz frozen drink, and you have a happy tummy for hours and hours.

The cost? $2.74


I recently went grocery shopping, but all I got was a shitload of Ramen, green beans and tuna. What does that make? The Karl Kellar Special. All the carbs, protein and greens you can take IN ONE BOWL FOR ONLY $1.30 A MEAL!!!

In case you can't tell, I eat really fucking healthy.

I splurged today since I got a $130 tip on top of $90 for 8 and a half hours of work and ordered some Chinese for delivery. I'm gonna consume that shit now and contemplate tomorrow's busy schedule of errands in preparation for the upcoming Mad Minds weekend.

Toledo, Peoria and Chicago LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!