Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Monolithic Motherfucker (Vol. 2)

Here we go, Hatebreed's sequel to The Rise Of Brutality, SUPREMACY!

You just thought it was just an even more metallic release from Jamey J and Tha 'Breed, well you were wrong, this shit is a rock opera.

Prologue:

When we last saw Jasta, he was a deposed dictator on house arrest. One day, Jasta was watching TV, bored as usual when he decided to grab something out of the fridge. In that moment --for reasons totally unknown-- NUCLEAR WAR BREAKS OUT ACROSS THE EARTH. JASTA IS BLOWN IN HALF, HIS HALVES LANDING HUNDREDS OF MILES APART, BURIED AMONG THE RUBBLE OF CIVILIZATION.

Chapter 1: "Defeatist"

It has been thousands of years since the nuclear holocaust, mankind is constantly at war for uncontaminated land and resources. It is in this dark age that a group of wizards gathered to resurrect Jasta to lead them to a world where they would not be trapped within their own apathy as they spiral into a cycle of loss. Using dark magic they set about bringing back to life the half of Jasta that they had unearthed while digging for clean water and lost technology. Little did they know that the half of Jasta they were bringing back was JASTA'S EVIL HALF!

Evil Jasta raged against those who gave him life again as a magical cyborg. Indiscriminately killing many of them. In the wizards eyes, he was cursed. They saw no fix, no cure, that their unholy work was tortured with imperfection. They said to him, "Your hatred is aimless!"

Evil Jasta proclaimed "This is my hatred, this is my vow: never to be broken!"

"Because you hate yourself and you hate this world and you hate the fact that you hate everybody!" one wizard retorted.

"Defeatist!" Evil Jasta roared "You and I will never be the same!!!"

Jasta then laid waste to all the wizards, all but one, Franklin Three-Staff, who escaped, vowing to find the good half of Jasta so that he could right the wrong he had helped unleash upon the scorched, post-apocalyptic earth.

Chapter 2: "Horrors Of Self"

Evil Jasta wandered the barren desert, coming to grips with his new surroundings, his new body and his death. Looking at himself in a puddle of toxic water, the evil cyborg spit at his own reflection, spewing hatred towards reality, feeling as though a speck of sand in an endless desert of agony, Evil Jasta walked...

Chapter 3: "Mind Over All"

Jasta became empowered, overcoming his confusion over his second life, he decided that there was no limit to what could be achieved. Staring into glory, Evil Jasta realized he must end the instability.

Chapter 4: "To The Threshold"

Evil Jasta begins to amass his army of death and domination. He told them "Give me your broken, give me your beaten! I will build them up! I will lead them to the threshold!" He promised to make them stronger, to make them believe. "I am one in the same, but now stronger than uncertainty!" he told the mutated mobs he attracted town to town, camp to camp.

The lost, beaten, and broken people believed Evil Jasta, desperate to rise up and claim what had been taken by them by shadows of the past, from the depths of their own failures.

Between Evil Jasta's strength and the belief held in him by his army, it would seem he had spit in the face of defeat.

Chapter 5: "Give Wings To My Triumph"

While the cyborg Jasta was walking in the desert, building his army and dominating all who opposed him, the one wizard who escaped, Franklin Three-Staff was on a quest of his own. He had dug up the other half of Jasta, the good half, and had taken to the top of the highest mountain the bring back to life Jasta's good half to do battle with Evil Jasta.

Exposed in his brokenness, for the world to see, Good Jasta was re-assembled by Elder Gods. Given wings for triumphs to come, Good Jasta came into existence in a righteous rage. He told Franklin Three-Staff "Now my fists must never be unclenched." for he would be eternally prevailing against Evil Jasta.

The air crackling with energy around him, Jasta spoke again, "I must endure the misfortune and bring starvation to those who hunger for my defeat! A rise for every fall! A life for every death!"

Pointing down towards the lowlands, Good Jasta roared "See my will before you now!" and flew down, to begin his epic quest to defeat Evil Jasta.

Chapter 6: "Destroy Everything"

Good Jasta's new life began, as he set about destroying everything. He cleansed much of Evil Jasta's empire with fire, helping the grateful peasants to rebuild and start again.

Evil Jasta returned in kind, destroying everything Good Jasta built, decimating all who threatened him; obliterating all that made him weak.

This cycle continued for quite some time.

Chapter 7: "Divine Judgment"

Evil Jasta paced his castle, discussing the rumors that his resurrected good half was the one setting his camps and cities ablaze. Evil Jasta and a warlord discussed the possibility that it might be the work of the divine.

"Born now are new saviors sent to steal our breath" the warlord said. The warlord pointed out the window towards peasants in the market square, "The angels they claim may be sent to take your life. Some claim its justified-" Evil Jasta glowered at the warlord. The warlord, afraid, continued, "-some say it's the judgment of the divine."

"How could it be the work of their divinity?" Evil Jasta asked, anger building.

Seemingly possessed, the warlord answered "Its divine retribution."

In a rage, Evil Jasta ripped the warlord's head off.

Chapter 8: "Immortal Enemies"

One night, an old man began to tell his grandson a tale, "When the conflict never ceases and the enemies are immortal, only their names and faces change, so a stance must always be held."

Across the town from the old man, Good Jasta was raiding one of Evil Jasta's camps, only to discover that EVIL JASTA WAS IN THE FUCKING CAMP. A mighty battle began, and it seemed as if Good Jasta was to be victorious, but Evil Jasta was just too strong. He chopped off Good Jasta's arm at the elbow with the unholy Doomsayer blade and then jammed a mace into the stump, mace first. He then picked up the defeated Jasta and spit in his face before throwing him high into the air.

About five minutes later, Good Jasta landed by the old man who was finishing his tale. Good Jasta is alive but just barely. He whispered to the shocked old man "another day dies, I'm looking, I'm lasting..." and then lost consciousness.

Chapter 9: "The Most Truth"

Good Jasta was near death after his confrontation with Evil Jasta and was being carried by his followers into a tent. "Let's go!" one of his disciples yelled as they put him down on the table to operate. They began to pull out the mace, but Good Jasta stopped them.

He stood up, bleeding profusely and screamed "The pain is here to tell me that I'm still alive! Alive to fight another day! Because the pain reveals the most truth!"

He kicked everyone out of the make-shift infirmary so that he could meditate and heal. When he emerged from the tent the next day, his followers saw the scars behind his eyes and felt the sting of daylight; saw the changing tide. They saw that the horizon taunted him no longer, the truth was again born into him.

Chapter 10: "Never Let It Die"

Two years passed after The Two Jastas did battle. Both sides have been building their armies and preparing for the Final Battle. Now the fight was to be on until there was nothing left. Good Jasta looked over his troops before they began their march to war and began to speak:

"Bonds are strengthened when they've been tested and mended when they've been torn. So give all of yourself that there is to give because in life to have never risked is to have never lived!

"So resolve, reassure and push on with out fear! Ignite the flame, because only you govern what tomorrow holds! It's inside us all waiting to be awoken , it's more than words describe. This is the spark, let it burn, make it build; it will never be denied!"

Good Jasta asked of his horde, "Will you let it die?"

"NEVER!" the horde replied.

Oh yes, the fight was on.

Chapter 11: "Spitting Venom"

While on their march to war, Good Jasta's forces encountered a giant cyclops. This cyclops spit venom, indiscriminately. Alone and provoked by the human intrusion, its' anger deep and lasting, it spit its venom in the eyes of countless warriors.

"Mock and slander with your empty threats! Spineless cowards soon to be revealed!" the cyclops bellowed as he spit more venom, completely unwilling to have any meaningful dialogue with Good Jasta, he only lashed out after a lifetime of torment.

Jasta tried to reason with it, to get it to join his cause saying "Believe what you may! Say what you will-"

"I'LL SPIT MY VENOM IN THE EYES OF YOUR WORLD! SPIT! SPIT! SPIT!!!" roared the cyclops as it renewed its mindlessly hateful attack. Good Jasta slew the beast, but was saddened by the killing; he felt that the cyclops could have found acceptance and been great use in his ranks.

Chapter 12: "As Die Hard As They Come"

Good Jasta's troops reached Evil Jasta's fortress and set up camp outside of the gates. Jasta gathered his army for a speech before they all went to sleep, since he knew he would never see them again.

"Some of us have had their fateful day, when harmony fades and life stands still. Those who were willing to sacrifice were blessed with the instinct to survive!

"This is for those who've escaped the torment! You know real courage , you are as diehard as they come!!!

"This is for those who never wavered! You are fearless , you are as diehard as they come!!!"

Everyone went to sleep to rest up for the next days battle for supremacy of the world.

Chapter 13: "Supremacy Of Self"

"Some wars must be won alone" Good Jasta whispered to himself as he left camp early in the morning before any of his gathered horde had even awoken. His plan was to fight Evil Jasta himself, saving both armies from the needless bloodshed, even if it meant he had to die as well.

Evil Jasta was waiting for him. "Am I the only one who is standing in my way?" the cyborg asked.

"Am I my own merciless enemy?" Good Jasta shot back.

"Can I stand back looking deep into death's gaze?" Evil Jasta asked, enjoying the banter.

"Can I turn and face myself and the knowledge of what shouldn't be?" Good Jasta asked as he ripped the mace from his stump and attacked Evil Jasta.

Eons later, in the afterlife, the Whole Jasta was heard to say "To look into my heart, was to to look into hell. Controlled by the voice of fear I was completely overwhelmed. So concerned with the things I could never change..."

"NOW I MUST INSURE TO NEVER FULFILL THAT PROPHECY!" Good Jasta screamed as he struck Evil Jasta in the skull with the mace as he was run through the heart by Evil Jasta's Doomsayer Blade. Both erupt in light, as they attain Supremacy of mind, of body, of spirit and of self; their spirits combined, they then ascended, leaving the earthly plane forever, humanity left to lead themselves.

THE END

Download the album here and follow along, see what I see.

Bringing It Back.

Chuck has been going hip-hop crazy on the If You Cared and Hope This Helps blogs, so I thought I'd bring it back to the 'core with some hip-hop flavor (in reverse chronological order, no less).





Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Satan Lives in Cleveland.

Yesterday I helped my buddy Keith move some stuff from the (b)east side to the (b/w)est side. We decided to take the scenic route back and took Euclid Ave all the way into downtown from Euclid, eventually hanging a Louie to get onto Carnegie and then Loraine. While stopped in traffic, we noticed something, someone strange.

There was a black dude in a blood-red Escalade, blasting some funky jazz, but that wasn't all. This dude had a shaved head with ram's horns tattooed on the sides. Intense dude, right? It gets heavier, maaaan. As he pulled away from us, we saw that his license plate read "RA 666". Holy shit, Cleveland, be on the lookout for RA 666, he will eat your soul and crap doom upon your empty husk.

Another funny thing happened yesterday.

You know how sometimes it sucks when people tell you their dreams? Well I upped the annoyance-level yesterday when Shaun came over and not only did I tell him about my dream, but also played a shitty pop-punk song I wrote about it. None of it made sense. Magic.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

The Monolithic Motherfucker (Vol. 1)

Alright, in my first post I said that I would finally break the news on Jamey J and The 'Breed (that's Hatebreed for you squares out there) and now I am. Partially.

You see, two of Hatebreed's most recent albums have been concept-albums-in-disguise. Yes, Reverend Jasta hid the message for me to find and find I did. The following is a song-by-song breakdown of the album The Rise Of Brutality. There's a link at the bottom so you can download that shit and listen along and see the truth for yourself...

Chapter 1: "Tear It Down"

Jasta is an Everyman, sick of a woefully corrupt society he sees as lacking in justice. He makes a decision to tear it all down and an epic journey begins.

Chapter 2: "Straight To Your Face"

Jasta takes to the streets, trying to legally implement change. He goes straight to peoples' faces with the truth, only to be shut down by apathy and resentment. He comes to realize that no great change will come with democracy, but is terrified to even consider... FASCISM!

Chapter 3: "Facing What Consumes You"

Jasta realizes that there is no other option, the only hope is fascism. He sets about building his ranks, those who would remain vehement, remain confident in his cause. Those who doubt him? Who hate him? They are inspiration to The Jasta.

Chapter 4: "Live For This"

Jasta's meteoric rise to brutality is almost at hand, as at the penultimate rally he exclaims to his die hard masses "LIVE FOR THIS! IF YOU DON'T LIVE FOR SOMETHING YOU WILL DIE FOR NOTHING!"

Chapter 5: "Doomsayer"

Jasta lets the repugnant multitude know that their doom awaits them as the genocide begins. It doesn't matter if they're rich, poor, black or white; if they aren't down, then The Jasta wishes them misery and desolation which they will get in spades in the camps. Cast down, defeated, how could they ever rise again?

Chapter 6: "Another Day, Another Vendetta"

Jasta decides to take in his handiwork as he dons a disguise and walks the streets of his brave new world, his Stillborn Empire. He is not entirely happy with what he sees. He questions himself, wondering if maybe he got too carried away with the genocide and destruction and didn't pay enough attention to making things better...

Chapter 7: "A Lesson Lived Is A Lesson Learned"

Having done his soul-searching out on the streets of his empire, Jasta has decided to turn over a new leaf in his administration.

Chapter 8: "Beholder Of Justice"

Jasta discusses his new kinder, gentler approach with his cabinet.

Chapter 9: "This Is Now"

Having hammered out his new strategy, Jasta takes to the podium to let people know what's up. Descending from the stage after his speech, Jasta is arrested by agents of the U.N. He is brought Geneva to be tried for his role in the "Doomsayer" genocides.

Chapter 10: "Voice Of Contention"

Jasta steps up the podium at the U.N. war crimes tribunal after hearing the prosecution and proclaims "If they said they knew the truth, THEY LIED!!!" He goes on to point out "Where are your answers now that you've been called out?!" He begins to fight his "mortal enemies" and is eventually rescued and brought back to America.

Chapter 11: "Choose Or Be Chosen"

The Jasta is more pissed than he's ever been and is talking war. He is ready to take on the entire U.N. His cabinet isn't really feeling it and chooses to place him under house arrest for the remainder of his life.

Chapter 12: "Confide In No One"

A few years have passed and Jasta is bored out of his mind. There's nothing good on TV and he's bitter over his cabinet betraying him so he confides in no one.

THE END

Download the album and listen and read along here. I abridged much of this, so I'll trust all of you to fill in the blanks, but if you have any questions, feel free to hit me up.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Yo Soy Karaoke Superstar

Tonight I went to Now That's Class for karaoke. It was awesome. I am a Golden God Of Karaoke, if I do say so myself (and I do).

I did "Suedehead" by Morrissey, "Rainbow In The Dark" by Dio and "Looks That Kill" by Motley Crue. Seriously. Superstar.

I highly recommend that everyone drag their asses the fuck over to NTC on nights where they do this. Its a blast.

The dude who was Ned Branden in Slapshot was in Twin Peaks

Vanessa's cat has been trying to murder me ever since I got home, maybe it's aware of my impending move and feels that now is the time to strike...

The Mad Minds weekend was a good time. Ever since though, my van has stunk like shit. I initially thought that we were just stinkier than usual during the weekend and thus the van was now forever branded with the stench of Weekend Tour. Today I realized that there was a salad left in there from Sunday. I'm glad too, because I was considering a fumigation-by-incense and that would have left the Man's Van MkII reeking like a hippie, and that's no bueno.

Now it's off to go partially celebrate Nick's birthday. I say "partially" because the celebration doesn't end until this Saturday at the Tower 2012.

BE THERE!!!



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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Healthy Diet: Before, During And After A Hard Day's Work

So I've been working for a moving company for the last couple weeks. It's been pretty awesome. I've been bringing in the $crilla, meeting interesting people --racist Greeks/rednecks, some of whom are alcoholics, some of whom are crackheads, and some who combine both and truly achieve... oh yeah, there's also a black dude who drives incredibly slow and allegedly listens to country, so what the fuck.

More important than any of that half-assed sociological bullshit, I've been getting HARD.

This is fucking man work. I lift shit and shit, dude. I fucking sweat. I have now broken free of the life-long curse of shitty food jobs. Instead of standing around eating all day, I'm walking around lifting couches and shit. It rules.

But rule-age has a price: I gotta eat. So what does my manly-man ass eat everyday? We'll start with the breakfast of choice for this particular champion...

Breakfast consists of about 5 to 8 cigarettes on the way to the move. Usually there's between 1 and 2 Monster Coffees involved just to get myself fucking partially awake --it would be a cheaper to get a cup of coffee, but I'd be shitting myself all morning, so that's out. Sometimes I'll add a Speedway breakfast sandwich --maybe two, they're two for $2, fuck it, I need the protein and shit, yo.

Throughout the move I ingest massive amounts of water.

After the work is done and I'm on my way home, I'll pop by Speedway again --notice a recurring theme here?-- and get nachos FUCKING SLATHERED in a layer of cheese and chili, then I throw on a bunch of onions and jalapeƱos and then I go ROUND TWO with the chili and cheese. Nachos accomplished. Add a 44oz frozen drink, and you have a happy tummy for hours and hours.

The cost? $2.74


I recently went grocery shopping, but all I got was a shitload of Ramen, green beans and tuna. What does that make? The Karl Kellar Special. All the carbs, protein and greens you can take IN ONE BOWL FOR ONLY $1.30 A MEAL!!!

In case you can't tell, I eat really fucking healthy.

I splurged today since I got a $130 tip on top of $90 for 8 and a half hours of work and ordered some Chinese for delivery. I'm gonna consume that shit now and contemplate tomorrow's busy schedule of errands in preparation for the upcoming Mad Minds weekend.

Toledo, Peoria and Chicago LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Intro/How Did I Get Here?

Welcome to the Bored To Life blog. I was thinking of doing a zine, but I pussed out big time and decided that while I have a lot of time on my hands, I don't have that much time, so fuck you, you got this fucking blog.

I'm going to be talking about a bunch of bullshit I have floating around in my head on here, like certain theories I have on two albums by Jamey J and the 'Breed, for example. Maybe I'll interview a band every great once in a while. Perhaps I'll preach the virtues of Protestant Straight Edge. I'll also tell stories of how I got to be the dude I am today.

In the spirit of that last thought, I will relate how I came to be.

My mom moved to California from North Carolina with her family when she was 18 in 1981. Shortly after moving there, she went to a high school party where she banged some Marine in a hot tub. That devil dog son of a bitch knocked her up. My mom promptly aborted the unholy spawn of the military-industrial complex errand boy. 8 months later my mom met my dad while working as a secretary in some office. They hit it off, eventually got married and then moved to Cleveland and named me after a drummer in a very popular band at the time.

Do you think my dad would have been into my mom if she had been 8 months pregnant? FUCK NO. If my mom had never gotten that abortion, my dad would have never gotten with her, their chromosomes would have never merged at the exact moment that they did and Alex Kellar would not exist today.

Moral of the story: I owe my very existence to abortion, so anyone who has a problem abortion has a problem with me!